Motherhood, Art and Identity: My 6 Month Hiatus

Over the past 6 months I have been in hiatus from my photography, blog and the art world.  I wanted to evaluate where I was going and who I was as an artist.  

Since I had a child my world as an artist changed.  I am unable to commit as much as I would like to, and I was hoping at the beginning of spring last year I could start this blog and come to sense of self.  It started off well, and I was pleased with the results. However, when I discovered I was pregnant again I got discouraged.  I fell into a place of darkness as I tried to sort out what I wanted.  I knew I wanted to be a mother, and a good mother, but I did not want to be defined as just a mother.  In response I took a break from art to evaluate what was important to me.  Unfortunately,  the hiatus did not stop there, as I did it with other parts of my life.  

I began to stop doing things I loved, I stopped working out, I even stopped trying at my part time job.  I was in a full blow depression with a hint of identity confusion.  Everyday I would think about how much I missed my terrible attempt to write and how I enjoyed pretending I was Carrie Bradshaw as I typed away. I missed my photo experiments, my running and workout classes and the sense of accomplishment I got from them.  I cringed thinking about not taking my son to play classes and thought of myself as a terrible mother.  However, in the back of my mind I would try to forget about it, remembering that I am having a second child, and I will not have time.  

Like clockwork, or a Christmas miracle, or a wow moment, whatever you want to call it, I came to a crossroads.  My employer came to me and told me that I would need to take a demotion or step up my game at work.  Meaning I would need to work more and take on extra work.  I was furious at them! I was angry for days, talking way to much about it to anyone who would listen.  I came to realize I was not mad at my employer, they were just doing what was best for the business, but I was mad at the fact that I had to make a decision about my life that I had been struggling with.  Who am I?  Am I just a mother?  or do I want to be more?  If I want to be more, what is it, an artist, a business women?

After spending time writing notes, talking to people, researching and evaluating I finally came to a conclusion.  I took the demotion.  And I am going to be okay with it.  In the process I chose to be what I have always wanted to be, and artist, a mother, a creative being, a fun person, and believer that everything is ok.  I made a promise to myself, and I made game plan.  I know when the new baby comes, it will be so much harder to do my art, but I believe it is possible.  I am going to help out in the art community, I am going to post a blog once a month, and I am continuity work towards my arts shows.  I am going to keep improving myself, and making time for myself and each of my little ones individually and together.  It will be struggle, but I am do it.  With encouragement and belief.    


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