Motherhood, Art and Identity: My 6 Month Hiatus
Over the past 6 months I have been in hiatus from my photography, blog and the art world. I wanted to evaluate where I was going and who I was as an artist.
Since I had a child my world as an artist changed. I am unable to commit as much as I would like to, and I was hoping at the beginning of spring last year I could start this blog and come to sense of self. It started off well, and I was pleased with the results. However, when I discovered I was pregnant again I got discouraged. I fell into a place of darkness as I tried to sort out what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be a mother, and a good mother, but I did not want to be defined as just a mother. In response I took a break from art to evaluate what was important to me. Unfortunately, the hiatus did not stop there, as I did it with other parts of my life.
I began to stop doing things I loved, I stopped working out, I even stopped trying at my part time job. I was in a full blow depression with a hint of identity confusion. Everyday I would think about how much I missed my terrible attempt to write and how I enjoyed pretending I was Carrie Bradshaw as I typed away. I missed my photo experiments, my running and workout classes and the sense of accomplishment I got from them. I cringed thinking about not taking my son to play classes and thought of myself as a terrible mother. However, in the back of my mind I would try to forget about it, remembering that I am having a second child, and I will not have time.
Like clockwork, or a Christmas miracle, or a wow moment, whatever you want to call it, I came to a crossroads. My employer came to me and told me that I would need to take a demotion or step up my game at work. Meaning I would need to work more and take on extra work. I was furious at them! I was angry for days, talking way to much about it to anyone who would listen. I came to realize I was not mad at my employer, they were just doing what was best for the business, but I was mad at the fact that I had to make a decision about my life that I had been struggling with. Who am I? Am I just a mother? or do I want to be more? If I want to be more, what is it, an artist, a business women?
After spending time writing notes, talking to people, researching and evaluating I finally came to a conclusion. I took the demotion. And I am going to be okay with it. In the process I chose to be what I have always wanted to be, and artist, a mother, a creative being, a fun person, and believer that everything is ok. I made a promise to myself, and I made game plan. I know when the new baby comes, it will be so much harder to do my art, but I believe it is possible. I am going to help out in the art community, I am going to post a blog once a month, and I am continuity work towards my arts shows. I am going to keep improving myself, and making time for myself and each of my little ones individually and together. It will be struggle, but I am do it. With encouragement and belief.